One of the things some of you birth mothers have said is that reading the Primal Wound was very hard on you, because it seemed to contradict what you had been told or even promised: that your child would be better off with a couple who was married and had all the right accoutrements. In reading the book, you have discovered a wound to your child’s soul, which may never be completely healed. This can be heartbreaking. However, what you are also discovering is that your child has been forever connected to you in some way which is profound. Babies know their own mothers at birth: her voice, her smell, her skin, her resonance. The prenatal bond, which most birth mothers and their children experience, is a reality. So the pain of the disconnection can be tempered with the hope of a meaningful reconnection.
It also means that the genetic connection with you and with the birth father is important to adoptees. Growing up in a family where they are not reflected back is a tremendously difficult experience. A great deal of an adopted child’s energy is used in trying to figure out how to be in the adoptive family. It is important to an adoptee to have the opportunity of experiencing that reflection: the tilt of the head, the quirk of the smile, the pace of the gait, not to mention the more obvious aspects of physical similarities or of talents, aptitudes, and interests.
Every adopted child has two mothers. You were and always will be the child’s mother. No one can take that away from you. The fact that circumstances, whether they be the societal mores of the time, financial considerations, or personal problems of another nature, made it impossible for you to parent the child, you are still a mother. As such, no matter when or at what age you child may come back into your life, you can be a great help to him or her. Adoption is a legal and societal solution to a problem (sometimes a problem which society itself creates) It has nothing to do with biology, psychology, or spirituality, although it can alter the latter two.
Unfortunately we live in a punitive society. No one knows this better than birth mothers who were once criticized for wanting to keep their babies, then were later judged for having given them up. But moral attitudes and judgments change, as evidenced by the number of unwed mothers keeping their babies today. So now, in the 21st Century, be proud of your motherhood. Regardless of how society regarded unwed pregnancies in the past, you deserve the title and honor of mother.